I’ve played D&D a long time and over the years I’ve heard a lot of players say a lot of things – funny things, strange things, gross things, imaginative things, inappropriate things, and awesome things. I can confidently say I’ve pretty much heard it all when it comes to conversation at the D&D table.
But in all the time I’ve played D&D there are some thing that I’ve never heard players or DMs say at the gaming table, specifically when playing 4e. So I decided to put together a list; a collection of things that you might expect to hear at the gaming table but don’t. What I thought would be a short list of a dozen things ended up reaching triple digits in a hurry.
After culling the list I managed to pare it down to a lean 100. These are things 4e D&D players never say. Some of these quotes are universal and equally applicable to other editions of D&D or other RPGs. In some cases it’s not that the quote is never heard, but heard very rarely. I’ve done my best to rank the list with the best, rarest, and funniest making up the top 10.
I encourage you to read through the list and see if you agree that theses are 100 things 4e D&D players never say. If you can think of a few more examples we’d love to hear them. Please leave your additions to the list in the comments below.
100 Things 4e D&D Players Never Say
100. I love spending the whole combat encounter healing the party.
99. Sure a long sword does more damage, but I want my PC to use a dagger. It will just look cooler.
98. No, I’m not going to make an opportunity attack. It’s clear the monster’s about to flee anyway.
97. This combat encounter is so easy to run as “theatre of the mind.”
96. I just finished calculating it, and it appears I have too much equipment and am encumbered, best drop some of this unnecessary weight before we march on.
95. Let me assist you in attacking that monster, because the +2 I grant you is a good use of my standard action.
94. You don’t look trustworthy.
93. I’m not going to shout out every skill I’m trained in.
92. Surrender and we will treat you mercifully!
91. Screw magic items, I’m going to invest all my starting cash in mutual funds.
90. My Pixie just walks during this encounter. She’s sick of flying.
89. I love the role playing opportunities that come up when I’m dominated by a monster.
88. You probably don’t want to hear about my character.
87. My PC was hit in the pelvis with a Craghammer; he’ll never walk again.
86. There are too many female players in this group. I’d rather spend the night gaming with just the boys.
85. I’ve created a new race for my character because none of the existing playable races offered the flavour I was looking for.
84. I’m going to give my PC a high Intelligence purely for role-playing reasons; I don’t care that it won’t affect my attack or damage numbers in any way.
83. I don’t think it’s fair if I have resistances; it just makes the monsters’ job harder.
82. Listen buddy. We’re in the pub to drink. Keep your stupid quest offers to yourself.
81. Can I have some paper to print out my character sheet? One sheet should be enough.
80. The DM should take care of all the dice rolling so we can focus our energy on the descriptive narrative and shared story telling experience.
79. I’m glad you’re rolling behind that screen. If I had to see all those natural 20s with my own eyes I’d likely cry.
78. I thought about your suggestions for my character concept and I’ve implemented them.
77. I made my PC using only the Player’s Handbook.
76. I am so glad there are all these uses for d12s now.
75. I don’t need you to heal me; I’ll just use my second wind.
74. It’s better to have similar scores in all 6 abilities than to pump and 1 way up for a mathematical advantage.
73. According to what’s written on my character sheet I’ve run out of arrows. I guess I’ll have to buy more when we get back into town.
72. I wish Paladins still had to be lawful good.
71. I won’t cast Healing Word until you use your Second Wind.
70. This Wizard is different from the last 12 Wizards I played.
69. It’s going to take me a minute to add up all these damage dice. I don’t want to slow things down so move on to the next PC in the initiative and I’ll get back to you.
68. Male player to another male player: I think our characters should explore their mutual love for each other through role-playing.
67. Let’s all make leaders.
66. As a player I can see the secret passage on the map, but my character would have no way of knowing it’s there so I leave the room.
65. The DM was role-playing that villain really well. I say she should get a re-roll on that missed attack roll.
64. I miss THAC0.
63. I only used At-Will powers during that encounter.
62. Why yes, I do have a creative D&D-sounding name for this character.
61. Being dazed doesn’t bother me; I only need to take one action on my turn.
60. My character removes his clunky metal armor before he goes to sleep.
59. DM, I see that you have neglected to add in the flank bonus, so actually that monster would hit me after all. How much damage do I take?
58. I regret training Perception since the skill so rarely comes into play.
57. I don’t mind being stunned.
56. I may not be trained in that skill but I’m happy to give it a shot. After all, that’s what makes sense based on this situation.
55. You expect me to join a party with all those freaks? Come on there’s a Dragonborn, a Drow, a Goliath, and a Warforged. Weirdoes!
54. Although talking is a free action, I’ll wait until my turn in the initiative to speak. I wouldn’t want to interrupt another player’s turn by talking over him.
53. I trust and respect decisions my allies make.
52. So what if they’re minions, I’m using my daily power.
51. Shardminds are my favourite race.
50. It seems so unsporting to kill a minion with a Magic Missile.
49. Wow, that skill challenge was so fulfilling and really added to the role-playing.
48. I get on my mount and charge.
47. My PC is very well-traveled so he took Linguist as his starting feat.
46. Uh-oh, guys. I’m running low on my meticulously-monitored rations and water.
45. I need combat advantage. I know, I’ll use Bluff to feign in combat.
44. I remember this NPC.
43. My character would never be able to float in plate mail, he drowns.
42. Oh boy, more evil cultists!
41. I made it from level 1 to level 30 through normal game play.
40. My character’s not ready yet; I haven’t given him a creative and fleshed out back story.
39. Although I disagree with your call, I’ll accept the outcome since I respect your authority as the DM and don’t want to slow down game play.
38. That encounter was too short.
37. I read the eratta and I absolutely agree with the changes they’ve made.
36. The grappling rules are so simple.
35. Please pass me the healthy snacks.
34. I don’t believe in dump stats; every ability score is important.
33. Let’s all take feats to improve our skills.
32. Let’s all make knowledge checks at the beginning of the encounter so we know what we’re up against this time.
31. Let’s run! That creature is too tough for us.
30. Can we do another skill challenge? They are way more exciting than combat.
29. I’ve been able to use my minor action effectively every round during this encounter.
28. I do 4d6 damage. No, I don’t need to borrow your d6s, I’ll just roll this one die four times and add the numbers.
27. You know what this party really needs? Another striker.
26. I took a background that offers no in-game benefit.
25. Hold on, guys. Let’s take a second to think about how this course of action may conflict with our alignments.
24. Just because I have empty item slots doesn’t mean I need more magical items.
23. We should try talking our way through this encounter.
22. My Fighter makes a ranged attack.
21. Let me cast this ritual.
20. My Fighter has a very diverse set of trained skills.
19. Difficult Terrain? Hooray!
18. You clearly have more experience playing D&D than I do; I welcome your input on how to play my character.
17. It wasn’t my turn but I was paying attention.
16. This build is broken; I’d better make a new character.
15. A milestone already? I don’t think that last encounter should count. It was too easy.
14. There just aren’t enough conditions or status effects in this game.
13. Let’s try to finish up early so we can go outside and enjoy this beautiful day.
12. I may not have any healing surges remaining, but that’s no reason to stop and take an extended rest.
11. I’d better not use this blast attack because I might accidentally target one of my allies.
10. Loot the corpses? Please, can’t we show a little respect for our fallen foes?
9. I can’t wait to buy the latest D&D supplement from my local bricks & mortar gaming store; screw Amazon!
8. I have one set of polyhedral dice, why would I need more than that?
7. Who needs character builder when you already have all the books?
6. This Ranger doesn’t have Twin Strike.
5. My dice have been rolling too many 20s. I’d better switch them out to be fair.
4. I wish there were more feats to choose from.
3. Wow, that was a challenging encounter for my epic level character.
2. Let’s rest for four minutes, and then keep moving.
1. My character died.
Got more examples? Please share them in the comments below.